Agony Aunt

Patricia Marie, MBACP qualified counsellor is a member of The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, practising in Harley Street, Essex and Scotland. She has many years experience of dealing with domestic violence, relationship problems, bereavement, depression, addictions, post traumatic stress and many other emotional issues. If you have a dilemma, please email

I am unable to satisfy my wife

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 17 June 2016
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am lucky enough to have just moved into our dream home. It's everything we could have imagined and wished for. However, my feelings have changed dramatically since paying the first large mortgage instalment, as it has really stretched my budget. I am working around the clock to try and meet these demands, but unfortunately, this is not the only problem.

My wife loves the new home and enjoys spending a lot of time at the gym getting very fit, and showing our beautiful home off to all her friends. She has become very demanding in the bedroom, and, alongside my financial worries, I am worried that I cannot constantly satisfy her sexually, as I am constantly tired.

Patricia Marie says...

The excitement of moving into your dream home has now been replaced with the reality of having to work hard to pay for it, but if you're not careful, working every hour could ultimately cause you much resentment. Your wife's demands in the bedroom may be her way of trying to get your attention, and your need to please her is clearly putting you under intense pressure. Losing your sex drive is a common symptom of stress, and you are also suffering from fatigue, which can make it very hard to experience the high energy needed to have a healthy and functioning libido.

Have you considered your wife may actually have been concealing from you that she feels upset, even rejected, that you have been isolating her from your worries? Instead of suppressing your feelings, you need to open up to her and tell her how you feel. Hopefully she will be understanding, helpful and supportive. It seems she has much spare time, so I am wondering if there is any way she could take on some form of employment to help contribute to the finances, which would eliminate part of your anxiety. A successful marriage is not just about having good times, but also about dealing with the difficulties life brings, and bonding from such experiences.

If you can both work together on how things can change to make life less stressful, your anxiety should ease, your libido should return, and then hopefully you can both enjoy your relationship in your well deserved new home.
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