Agony Aunt

Patricia Marie, MBACP qualified counsellor is a member of The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, practising in Harley Street, Essex and Scotland. She has many years experience of dealing with domestic violence, relationship problems, bereavement, depression, addictions, post traumatic stress and many other emotional issues. If you have a dilemma, please email

I'm afraid of being hurt

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Guest has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Thursday, 12 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

I am nervous about committing to any woman or even letting them get close to me. I have pushed away lots of women who have truly adored me. I don't want to end up a lonely old man.

I am 46, physically fit, kind and loving and have a good job and fantastic family and friends. At university my girlfriend suddenly announced she was pregnant and left me. Later a friend told me that she had never been pregnant. Two years later I fell head over heels in love with another girl. We went on holiday and her ex-boyfriend turned up. I woke up one morning to hear them having sex in our apartment. In 1994, I was working in Gambia and in love with an intelligent, beautiful woman, but we had to go our separate ways and she met someone else.

I adore women and have no problem attracting them. I have had some wonderful relationships but as soon as we get close I bring down the shutters and behave appallingly until the relationship breaks down.

I have started dating an incredibly attractive woman. I have tried to explain my behaviour patterns to her but she doesn't seem to understand or want to be patient with me. I don't want to break her heart, but I'm afraid of being hurt. 

Patricia Marie says...

Few things are as painful as wanting a loving partner, yet not being able to find one. Then once we do meet who we were looking for, we sometimes begin to question the relationship, which is what you are doing.

It is understandable that you are fearful of falling in love again after your experiences.  When we fall in love we can never be sure that person won't hurt us, because the very act of loving someone makes us vulnerable. The alternative though, as you describe it, could be a very lonely one. Although I am not suggesting that you commit to the first woman who shows you an interest.

I do question if the woman you are with at this moment has the understanding and empathy you need.

Take a moment to look at what you've accomplished so far, and all of the things you hold dear. They are a result of your commitments, intentions and actions. You made them happen, and you have the same power and ability to create the loving relationship you want. We all have inner barriers that sometimes prevent us from using this power. They are erected during our childhood, and we build even more with every unsuccessful relationship, and can only see evidence of them when we keep having the same unhealthy relationships over and over again.

When you next meet someone lovely, explain about your past and your fear of commitment and how you would like to change. If the woman really loves you and is right for you, she will understand and try to help you through this, and then you will then be able to build a strong relationship together.

Have a dilemma? Please email  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
0 votes
  • Print

Recent posts

I can't cope with my friend's ...

Dear Patricia Marie,My best friend died a year ago after being in a tragic car accident. At first everyone was supportive and caring, but this was sho...

Forgot your password?
Click to read our digital edition

Boarders Dormitory Master-Mistress
We are looking to appoint a Dormitory Mistress/Master for 5 nights per week, weekday evenings and nights only, term time. (35 weeks). [...]


Housekeeper to Headmaster
We have an opportunity for an experienced live-out housekeeper. You will provide a cleaning and hospitality service for the Headmaster and his guests and help to ensure the household runs efficiently. [...]


Full Time Housekeeper, Nanny
We are looking for a full time, live-out housekeeper/nanny. We are a relaxed young couple living in a large country house, and will have one newborn baby. [...]


Experienced Carer, Companion, Housekeeper needed
Our elderly mother needs a live in carer/companion on a part time basis. Must be warm hearted, calm & compassionate, with a good sense of humour. [...]


Live-in Housekeeper
Our client is looking for a very capable, experienced individual to become the new housekeeper at their 6 bedroom, rural home. [...]




What the stars have in store for you this week.2017

Capricorn Aquarius Pisces Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius

Sign up to receive our weekly newsletter