Agony Aunt

Patricia Marie, MBACP qualified counsellor is a member of The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, practising in Harley Street, Essex and Scotland. She has many years experience of dealing with domestic violence, relationship problems, bereavement, depression, addictions, post traumatic stress and many other emotional issues. If you have a dilemma, please email

I'm having an affair with my best friend's husband

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 22 July 2016
Dear Patricia Marie,

I have done something unforgiveable and I feel so bad about it. I have been having an affair with my best friend's husband. It was me who instigated the affair, but he certainly didn't take much chasing.

It started in April and I want to finish it, but he is my soul mate. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but I can't stand the worry of my friend finding out. I know she would be devastated if she knew, but I just can't help myself. I have been on my own for a year or so, and the three of us sometimes go out together.

I love him very much. Should I just carry on seeing him and act like nothing is happening, or should I risk telling my friend and ruin our friendship?

Patricia Marie says...

Women do tend to believe they are in love when they have an affair. Men can be more opportunistic, but women need to feel more emotionally engaged - and that can be fatal. You say that this man is your soul mate, but the reality is what sort of man has an affair with his wife's best friend? If he means what he says about wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, why have you not already run off into the sunset together?

Many mistresses wait forever for their lovers to leave their wives, and when forever never comes, they are left heartbroken. How do you know you're not just a bit of escapism for him? It may not be the first time he's had an affair and promised his mistress the world. If your friend did find out about the affair, there's every chance your lover would go running back to his wife, and you'd be left with nothing. I urge you to find the strength to end this relationship before this situation becomes destructive. Consider shifting your energy into finding your very own man, rather than wasting your time on somebody else's. We can't help who we fall in love with, but everyone is worth more than being someone's mistress.

However, if you two are genuinely in love, then he should do the decent thing and tell his wife, who deserves to know her husband has cheated on her and her best friend has betrayed her. And you need to be sure he's worth it because you are set to lose your best friend forever.
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