Agony Aunt

Patricia Marie, MBACP qualified counsellor is a member of The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, practising in Harley Street, Essex and Scotland. She has many years experience of dealing with domestic violence, relationship problems, bereavement, depression, addictions, post traumatic stress and many other emotional issues. If you have a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk

I miss my daughter's ex boyfriend

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 04 December 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

 My daughter has recently split from her boyfriend, we were the family he never had and I miss him terribly. For the past five years he has spent Christmas with us, however this year my daughter has invited her new boyfriend who not any of us are keen on and insists I am not to invite her ex, who is still in love with her. I am so upset as I know he will have nowhere to go, won't receive any  presents and feel disowned by us. Plus the new boyfriend has a huge family and isn't even keen on coming to ours. I am now beginning to dread Christmas. Would very much appreciate your advice.

Patricia Marie says...

I am wondering if you could try to see things from your daughter's perspective. For whatever reason, she split from her ex-boyfriend because things didn't work out.  Would you rather she be unhappy in a relationship because it suits you for her to be with someone you approve of?

When it comes to the loves and losses of our children, wisdom demands unfashionable restraint. Sometimes, when your child splits from a long-standing lover, the ex can see you as someone who can plead their case - but your loyalty must always be with your offspring. Your  daughter has to make her own choices, and even if we don't always agree, however difficult, it is our role as parents to support our children's decisions rather than risk jeopardising the relationship.

I predict even if you invited her ex, he would decline, as to be in the presence of your home could ignite painful feelings for him, which you may not have considered. You are not responsible for him, and maintaining an attachment could be delaying him from finding his own future happiness.

For now,  perhaps you could meet up before or after Christmas on neutral territory with a small gift, this way you won't feel your completely disowning him, but gently distancing yourself.

I have a feeling the other family members are mirroring your feelings and believe once you let go of the past, you will embrace the future and look forward to new beginnings. You may allow yourself to get to know your daughter's new boyfriend, and whats more, even get to like him.



Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
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