Dear Patricia Marie,

I totally adore my fiancée but she is adamant that she doesn't want children. When we met three years ago, I was okay with that, but I have since changed my mind.


She says she is not the maternal type. I am 34 and she is a year younger. We both have well-paid jobs, so financially it would not be a problem. Now, when I see our friends with their young children, the thought of not having any makes me feel so sad.

I try to suppress these thoughts but they keep returning. How can I marry the woman I love and have her children? 

Patricia Marie says...

The problem is that you have changed your mind but your fiancée hasn't. At around 30, a woman's biological clock often kicks in, as she becomes aware that after 35, her fertility levels can decrease. This, however, doesn't seem to have happened with your partner.

You need to tell her how much you want children. Speak from the heart, but don't pressurise her, just try to discern why she doesn't want them. She could bring up some interesting points that you may not have considered, and which could help you understand her reasoning.

What is it is about being a father that appeals to you, and are there ways you can accomplish that without having children of your own? For instance, do you have nieces and nephews you could enjoy spending time with, as, for many childless couples, this can help fill an empty void, bringing the greatest of pleasure to their aunts and uncles.

Please bear in mind though, that if you give up your desire for children, you could end up resenting your fiancée and deeply regretting your decision. Also, most importantly, do you value fatherhood more than you value your married future together? If she remains adamant that she does not wish to be a mother, sadly, you have to ask yourself whether it would be better to end the relationship, and find yourself someone who does share your parenting dream. I feel you and your partner could benefit from seeing a relate counsellor for some help, support, and guidance on this situation before making any life changing decisions.

Relate: 0300 100 1234 www.relate.org.uk