I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I am a 55 year old woman, and have been with my partner for 3 years now. My son has left home, so I live on my own, seeing my partner at weekends. I am very active, and have a full time job, but just keep feeling deep bouts of hopelessness and considering suicide. Sometimes I just think everyone will be better off without me. It seems everything I do I get wrong. Friends are never there for me, and just keep their distance if they see I am down. They only want me around when I am happy or can do something for them. My partner gets very irritated if I get upset, and if I try to explain my feelings he tells me I am just going on about it, and to leave it. I want to give up, close myself off, curl up in a ball and sleep forever so it doesn't hurt any more.
I don't want to go on anti-depressants, or sit explaining my patheticness to a counsellor, so I really don't know how things will ever improve. Unless I just kill myself, which seems the best solution, then no-one has to be bothered by me anymore.
Patricia Marie says...
Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap, and you may believe that no matter what you do, or how hard you try, you will never get better. The majority of people who contemplate taking their own lives do not actually want to die; they want to be free of the emotional pain, and live a different life to the one they have. You are not pathetic for feeling as you do - you are depressed. Stop blaming yourself right now. Depression is an illness, and, like any debilitating condition, needs treatment.
Family and friends don't always understand the severity of depression, unless they have themselves experienced it, and can't offer what you need, so it's helpful to seek out people who can. Getting professional help is vital. I truly believe you would benefit from group counselling. I frequently suggest this form of therapy, as many people feel much better understood when they meet others in similar situations to their own. If you contact MIND, they can organise this, as well as providing ongoing support and advice for you at this difficult time. I would also like you to consider discussing a treatment plan with your GP, as it may be that a small amount of medication could make a huge difference to the way you are feeling. In addition, when you feel suicidal, please pick up the phone and contact The Samaritans. They offer excellent support at times of distress and hopelessness.
Once you receive the help you deserve, you will hopefully feel strong enough to start focusing your energy on you, not on others. It may be that your relationships need work, for you to eliminate any negativity around you, but for now, your own wellbeing is priority. To lift your mood, you must allow yourself 'me' time - go for some nice walks, breathe in the fresh air, look at the beauty around you, eat well, meditate, and ensure you get plenty of sleep. It is so much easier to face the world when you aren't tired – emotionally or physically.
We are all totally unique, and as such until your last breath your contribution to this world is essential. Death has little to offer when you compare it to the countless possibilities of life. You will hopefully soon see that yours is very much worth living, and that the darkness you are experiencing now will soon be replaced by much brightness.
MIND 0300 123 3393 www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans 116 123 www.samaritans.org