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Breaking Rules

Posted by Mum About Town
Mum About Town
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on Thursday, 16 April 2015
Are you a rules person? It's a bit like Marmite. Either you love a good rulebook, those double yellow lines and that naughty step or ... well, you simply can't look a police man in the eye.

Our Smalls have been raised for the last decade on RULES. Coats are hung by the door, shoes in the shoe basket, bed time rarely wavers and we certainly don't entertain any fugitives after lights out. But – as they enter their second decade – I'm wondering if we need to shift into the back seat... just a little.

Because breaking rules and escaping that proverbial box is what gives us the freedom to be. (Besides, I know how much I personally need to break any rules to turn a fun evening into a proper dancing-on-the-table session). And if these Smalls can't 'be', how will they grow up to think for themselves, risk for a thrill and feel that all important dubious doubt?

So that's my parenting rulebook utterly broken. In fact, I might even go as far as developing a blind eye. But - if you happen to see some (small) people who look a bit like me on Oxford Street swinging from a bottle of gin, please send them home immediately.

My husband makes no secret of his infidelity

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 16 April 2015
For the past two years my husband has been funding his mistress in a stunning apartment near to where he works. He constantly lavishes gifts on her, and pays for them to go on expensive holidays abroad. When I found out last year, I was devastated, but have gradually had to accept I either put up with it, or lose him completely. He makes no secret of his infidelity. In fact he's glad it's out in the open. He insists he doesn't want me, but would be set to lose an awful lot of money if we were to divorce, and refuses to give up his mistress. I am still sleeping with him and try to do everything I can to make my husband happy, in the hope that he will finish with this other woman. I feel empty, weak and worthless. Please help me.

Patricia Marie says.....

Why on earth would your husband give up his mistress, if at the same time he has you submitting to his every whim? He is clearly having his cake and eating it, demonstrating a total lack of respect and being completely uncaring about your feelings. It seems he is only interested in his own pleasure, and is happy to walk all over you.

It's no wonder you are feeling so bad about yourself, but you must accept some responsibility for allowing your husband to treat you in such an appalling manner.

You say your husband is funding his mistress, yet surely this is your money too.

He is totally manipulating you, and I urge you to stand up for yourself before you end up not just lonely, but penniless too.

Instead of focussing on his needs, try to concentrate all your energy on yourself. Go and see a counsellor who will help with your low self-esteem and lack of confidence. At this moment, having your husband to love seems the most important thing in your life. However, when you feel stronger within yourself, hopefully you will begin to see things more clearly, and seriously consider ending this dysfunctional marriage, so you can begin to live the life you deserve.

I feel you would benefit from reading 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood.

Oh… HELLO sunshine

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Friday, 10 April 2015
Oh... HELLO sunshine. We're very pleased to meet you but did have just a couple of quick questions: Are you here to stay? Or just flirting a little warmth and brightness in our direction. You see, your big, bold entrance needs a little planning. And, if you are in fact here to stay, our winter toes and hibernation legs (ditto working upwards) need to know.

But if you're going to be gone tomorrow, we can simply relax. Bundled up in lots of layers is the only way we really know how to dress. A hot sun only confuses British fashion and – let's face – sandals are a minefield to negotiate.

Picnics, BBQs and a freezer full of ice-cream need planning too. Are lunchtime soups already VERY last month? What about sunglasses, umbrellas and that extended scarf?

So while we're very happy to hear the birds chirping, to walk home in evening light and to feel the presence of a yellow ball of glow in the sky, it's just that we need to know if you're teasing. Are you part of some big joke?

Do let us know before there's a hosepipe ban.

My husband and I have not shared any intimacy for over a year

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 09 April 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,

I love my husband of over twenty years very much, however I'm finding celibacy very difficult. We have not shared any intimacy for well over a year now and I am unsure of how to deal with this.

Every time I attempt to be affectionate, he pulls away from me. If I confront him he just walks off.

I appreciate he works hard and comes home exhausted, but I do everything to make life as easy as possible for him, yet still my husband is so distant towards me.

We are both in our early fifties, but instead of enjoying life as a husband and wife should be, we have become more like brother and sister.

Would appreciate your advice.

Patricia Marie says.....

If two people are in agreement that they no longer want to make love, they can bond in other ways and still maintain a good relationship. However, if one person no longer wants to, it can be frustrating and hurtful for the other.

Your partner is being unfair by dismissing your advances without any explanation, which is causing you to feel rejected. You have every right to insist on hearing why he is behaving this way. If he refuses to talk, write him a letter. A painful question you need to ask is, has he lost all interest in making love, which can be caused by a number of factors including stress, depression and exhaustion, or is it that he no longer wants to be intimate with you because there is a relationship issue? You cannot move forward until you know what the problem is.

He needs to be honest with you about his feelings towards you, understand that your needs aren't being met and and that intimacy is a vital part of keeping a loving link alive.

Whatever the outcome, wherever things may have gone wrong, if you both feel this relationship is worth saving, you can start to work together towards a more positive future.

Relate offer excellent professional support (relate.org.uk) which may prove helpful to you both. In addition, your G.P could refer you to a sexual therapist for further help.
Tags: agon, agony aunt

The Ski Carrier

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Thursday, 02 April 2015
If you're not a skier, you'll just have to bear with me here. And, if you do ski and fail to see the tree I'm about to bark up, then perhaps just smile sweetly and move on. Because with ample mountain air and feet buckled firmly into those weighty boots, I've been doing a little thinking...

First let's start with the basics; there is no dispute that carrying skis is unavoidable for anyone who chooses to pursue this frosty sport. And, let's face it, these long, heavily laminated planks of wood are, at the very least, cumbersome to carry while trekking to and up any mountain.

The smallest of these foot accessories belong to the 4-year-old who can ski but, of course, can't bear the weight of her equipment. And so her father carries the burden, until she is deemed strong enough. Then follows only a few years of independent ski carrying before any unsuspecting boyfriends pick up the mantle in their bid to show manliness.

Predictably, the husband follows suit too, until... inevitably... two pairs becomes four. And with the increase in skis comes the juggle of carrying while sharing the burden. Because (and this is the crucial bit) ski-carrying means much more than the mere physical act – there is the burden, the responsibility and the unconditional support.

Of course, there will one day come a time where we can no longer carry any skis. And, at his point, the meaning is completely lost.

So, here we have it. My equivalent of The Giving Tree (if you haven't read it – please promise me to do so) is The Ski Carrier. Put simply, it's the stages of life with and without skis on our shoulders.


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