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I'm afraid of being hurt

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 12 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

I am nervous about committing to any woman or even letting them get close to me. I have pushed away lots of women who have truly adored me. I don't want to end up a lonely old man.

I am 46, physically fit, kind and loving and have a good job and fantastic family and friends. At university my girlfriend suddenly announced she was pregnant and left me. Later a friend told me that she had never been pregnant. Two years later I fell head over heels in love with another girl. We went on holiday and her ex-boyfriend turned up. I woke up one morning to hear them having sex in our apartment. In 1994, I was working in Gambia and in love with an intelligent, beautiful woman, but we had to go our separate ways and she met someone else.

I adore women and have no problem attracting them. I have had some wonderful relationships but as soon as we get close I bring down the shutters and behave appallingly until the relationship breaks down.

I have started dating an incredibly attractive woman. I have tried to explain my behaviour patterns to her but she doesn't seem to understand or want to be patient with me. I don't want to break her heart, but I'm afraid of being hurt. 

Patricia Marie says...

Few things are as painful as wanting a loving partner, yet not being able to find one. Then once we do meet who we were looking for, we sometimes begin to question the relationship, which is what you are doing.

It is understandable that you are fearful of falling in love again after your experiences.  When we fall in love we can never be sure that person won't hurt us, because the very act of loving someone makes us vulnerable. The alternative though, as you describe it, could be a very lonely one. Although I am not suggesting that you commit to the first woman who shows you an interest.

I do question if the woman you are with at this moment has the understanding and empathy you need.

Take a moment to look at what you've accomplished so far, and all of the things you hold dear. They are a result of your commitments, intentions and actions. You made them happen, and you have the same power and ability to create the loving relationship you want. We all have inner barriers that sometimes prevent us from using this power. They are erected during our childhood, and we build even more with every unsuccessful relationship, and can only see evidence of them when we keep having the same unhealthy relationships over and over again.

When you next meet someone lovely, explain about your past and your fear of commitment and how you would like to change. If the woman really loves you and is right for you, she will understand and try to help you through this, and then you will then be able to build a strong relationship together.



Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Too demanding

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 17 January 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am lucky enough to have just moved into our dream home, it's everything we could have imagined and wished for. However, my feelings have changed dramatically I have just paid the first large mortgage payment. This has really stretched my budget, I am working around the clock to try and meet these demands unfortunately, this is not the only problem. My wife loves the new home and enjoys spending a lot of time at the gym getting very fit and showing off our new beautiful home to all our friends. She has become very demanding in the bedroom and I am worried that I cannot constantly satisfy her both financially and sexually as I am constantly tired.

Patricia Marie says...

The excitement of moving into your dream home has now been replaced with the reality of having to work hard to pay for it. Your need to please your wife is clearly putting you under intense pressure, and if your not careful your constant wanting to make her happy by working every hour, which you say is exhausting you, could turn to resentment. You don't mention if your wife works, but have given the impression she has much spare time, therefore, wondering if there is any way she could help contribute to the finances and eliminate some of your stress.

Instead of suppressing your feelings, you need to be opening up to your wife, telling her how you feel and hopefully she will be understanding, helpful and supportive. Remember, you are a partnership and she may be upset, even feel rejected that you have been isolating her from your worries. A successful marriage is not just about having good times but dealing with the difficulties life brings and bonding from such experiences. You say she has become demanding in the bedroom, this may be about her trying to get some attention from you, other than the obvious. If you and your wife can work together on how things can change to make life easier, your stress and anxiety will ease, your libido should return, then hopefully you can both get to enjoy your relationship in your well deserved home.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

My ex boyfriend won't leave me alone

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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User is currently offline
on Friday, 29 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I went out with my boyfriend for one year and it didn't really work so I told him face-to-face that I was sorry but I didn't want to continue with our relationship. He was absolutely devastated and went to see a counsellor to help him move on.. however he still insisted on remaining friends with me and coming over once a week to 'help me do any diy jobs that needed doing'.

I am very aware that this is not right but when I tell him this he says 'you cant begrudge me helping you out and doing things for you - that's what friends are for...

It is now one year since we split up and I have met someone else. When I told my ex that I was going out for a date with another man he broke down and said 'I can't believe you would do this to me'.

What can I do? I know he is manipulating me but he makes things so difficult and I feel so mean. I am 42 years of age and divorced - my ex is 45 years of age and has been divorced twice.

I just can't seem to get rid of him.


Patricia Marie says...

Your need to sever your relationship with your ex has become far more intense as it now suits you to have him out of the way.

I would like you to consider that you have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for allowing this situation to get to this inevitable stage.

You say he insisted on still being friends, helping you with jobs. Your acceptance of this sent confusing signals, in his mind you were still allowing him to be part of your life.

Even for the one instigating, endings can be hard and take time to come to terms with, which is why so many couples choose to stay in even the most destructive relationships, rather than deal with change.

Perhaps although you wanted to have closure with your ex, by seeing him weekly it wasn't so final for you.

You are allowing him to manipulate you because you are not making it clear to him this arrangement cannot continue. You say you feel mean, yet are being unfair to him by preventing him from moving forward, something which he is unable to see clearly for himself at this moment.

You can eliminate your guilt by being strong for him, letting him go will allow him to make a new life, whilst you can then be free to enjoy yours.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.



In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389


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