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I don't want to live any more

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 27 May 2016
Dear Patricia Marie,
I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I am a 55 year old woman, and have been with my partner for 3 years now. My son has left home, so I live on my own, seeing my partner at weekends. I am very active, and have a full time job, but just keep feeling deep bouts of hopelessness and considering suicide. Sometimes I just think everyone will be better off without me. It seems everything I do I get wrong. Friends are never there for me, and just keep their distance if they see I am down. They only want me around when I am happy or can do something for them. My partner gets very irritated if I get upset, and if I try to explain my feelings he tells me I am just going on about it, and to leave it. I want to give up, close myself off, curl up in a ball and sleep forever so it doesn't hurt any more.

I don't want to go on anti-depressants, or sit explaining my patheticness to a counsellor, so I really don't know how things will ever improve. Unless I just kill myself, which seems the best solution, then no-one has to be bothered by me anymore.

Patricia Marie says...

Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap, and you may believe that no matter what you do, or how hard you try, you will never get better. The majority of people who contemplate taking their own lives do not actually want to die; they want to be free of the emotional pain, and live a different life to the one they have. You are not pathetic for feeling as you do - you are depressed. Stop blaming yourself right now. Depression is an illness, and, like any debilitating condition, needs treatment.

Family and friends don't always understand the severity of depression, unless they have themselves experienced it, and can't offer what you need, so it's helpful to seek out people who can. Getting professional help is vital. I truly believe you would benefit from group counselling. I frequently suggest this form of therapy, as many people feel much better understood when they meet others in similar situations to their own. If you contact MIND, they can organise this, as well as providing ongoing support and advice for you at this difficult time. I would also like you to consider discussing a treatment plan with your GP, as it may be that a small amount of medication could make a huge difference to the way you are feeling. In addition, when you feel suicidal, please pick up the phone and contact The Samaritans. They offer excellent support at times of distress and hopelessness.

Once you receive the help you deserve, you will hopefully feel strong enough to start focusing your energy on you, not on others. It may be that your relationships need work, for you to eliminate any negativity around you, but for now, your own wellbeing is priority. To lift your mood, you must allow yourself 'me' time - go for some nice walks, breathe in the fresh air, look at the beauty around you, eat well, meditate, and ensure you get plenty of sleep. It is so much easier to face the world when you aren't tired – emotionally or physically.

We are all totally unique, and as such until your last breath your contribution to this world is essential. Death has little to offer when you compare it to the countless possibilities of life. You will hopefully soon see that yours is very much worth living, and that the darkness you are experiencing now will soon be replaced by much brightness.

MIND 0300 123 3393
Samaritans 116 123

My family don't care that I'm depressed

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 31 July 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My husband has always been sympathetic of the depression I have struggled with for years, but my sister and brother have been so unhelpful and my mother positively cruel. It came to a head last week when she said I was just like my dad, who died 30 years ago when I was 10.

I always thought he'd had an accident, but from what she'd said, he'd killed himself and she thinks I'm bound to do the same and would be stupid if I did.

Patricia Marie says...

Depression can be so draining. It's not just about sadness, but about feeling helpless, isolated and having little, if any, energy. It can run in families, but whether that's genetic or because of shared experiences, experts can't be sure.

Your father's death and your family's lack of support may be linked to you feeling as bad as you do. Friends and family support is crucial for the recovery and well being of those suffering with the brutal illness of depression - indeed, lack of support and feelings of loneliness can make the sufferer more vulnerable.

It seems to me that your mother's anger and lack of understanding demonstrates she hasn't fully been able to come to terms with the death of your father. It may not be easy, but you could try suggesting she gets some professional help, which would assist her in understanding depression better so as she can relate to your needs.

If your father did kill himself that doesn't mean you will follow suit, nor that suicidal thoughts are stupid (certainly, they aren't uncommon in depression). What is a lot more silly and annoying is your family's unhelpful behaviour.

Contact mental health charity mind (0300 123 3393; for its excellent information and help in finding good support. They can give you details of their group therapy sessions, where meeting other fellow sufferers may prove helpful to you in feeling understood.

Have a dilemma? Please email  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

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