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Motherhood and guilt

Posted by Esther Walker
Esther Walker
Esther Walker has not set their biography yet
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on Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Before I had a baby I was confident that a thing about me, which would make motherhood bearable, is that I don't really feel guilty about things. I mean, I feel guilty if I do some awful, (although I tend not to do awful things), but I don't feel guilty if something was an accident, or if my intentions were good, if I did my best. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I don't beat myself up.

But I had never been involved in a Minor Baby Accident THAT IS ALL YOUR FAULT before and thus had no idea the crashing wave of guilt and self-hate that knocks you sideways when it happens, rendering you unable to think straight for days.

This morning, for example, I was taking my 11 month old daughter, Kitty, out for a morning jaunt. We were going to the post office then we were going to the toy shop round the corner and then we were going to the City farm. It was going to be brilliant. We had snacks and a buggy book and nothing was going to stand between us and a good time. I wheeled Kitty out of the door, applied the footbrake to the buggy, turned to shut the door, turned back to see ( .... no it can't be... it CAN'T BE! ...) the buggy rolling down the incline of the garden path, heading for the steps down to the street.

...

A bit of a "phase"

Posted by Esther Walker
Esther Walker
Esther Walker has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Tuesday, 10 January 2012

A friend of mine, who has a beautiful but classically unruly toddler, is due to have another baby in June. “I can’t believe I’m doing it again,” she said. “It’s all worth it, though isn’t it, right? RIGHT?”

Just now, after two months of illness-free, frustration-free bliss, Kitty is having a bit of a “phase”, as people politely call it. She will be 1 year old in February and I can already see her gearing up for toddler tantrums; she shrieks and arches her back when I try to dress her and clenches her little fists, purple with rage, as she tries to communicate to me through the medium of anger, what it is that she wants.

It is only going to get worse. And what would it be like with another one?

...

Blow the detox

Posted by Esther Walker
Esther Walker
Esther Walker has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Tuesday, 03 January 2012
Flowers to cheer you up

Why does everyone go on about how much they hate January? I love January. It's my favourite month. There are so few expectations of joy and happiness that I, personally, love it.

I can be as depressed as I like. No-one invites you out for dinner, or to a party, or anything. It's great!

And I always find the run-up to Christmas a tiny bit like the run-up to the end of the world. Quick, quick, quick... got to get everything done by this looming deadline. And you hold your breath and do it all and sort of expect the sky to fall on your head. But then January 2 and 3 and 4 roll around in the usual fashion and you feel like you've been given a second chance at life.

...


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