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I don't want to live any more

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 27 May 2016
Dear Patricia Marie,
I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I am a 55 year old woman, and have been with my partner for 3 years now. My son has left home, so I live on my own, seeing my partner at weekends. I am very active, and have a full time job, but just keep feeling deep bouts of hopelessness and considering suicide. Sometimes I just think everyone will be better off without me. It seems everything I do I get wrong. Friends are never there for me, and just keep their distance if they see I am down. They only want me around when I am happy or can do something for them. My partner gets very irritated if I get upset, and if I try to explain my feelings he tells me I am just going on about it, and to leave it. I want to give up, close myself off, curl up in a ball and sleep forever so it doesn't hurt any more.

I don't want to go on anti-depressants, or sit explaining my patheticness to a counsellor, so I really don't know how things will ever improve. Unless I just kill myself, which seems the best solution, then no-one has to be bothered by me anymore.

Patricia Marie says...

Being suicidal can feel like an everlasting trap, and you may believe that no matter what you do, or how hard you try, you will never get better. The majority of people who contemplate taking their own lives do not actually want to die; they want to be free of the emotional pain, and live a different life to the one they have. You are not pathetic for feeling as you do - you are depressed. Stop blaming yourself right now. Depression is an illness, and, like any debilitating condition, needs treatment.

Family and friends don't always understand the severity of depression, unless they have themselves experienced it, and can't offer what you need, so it's helpful to seek out people who can. Getting professional help is vital. I truly believe you would benefit from group counselling. I frequently suggest this form of therapy, as many people feel much better understood when they meet others in similar situations to their own. If you contact MIND, they can organise this, as well as providing ongoing support and advice for you at this difficult time. I would also like you to consider discussing a treatment plan with your GP, as it may be that a small amount of medication could make a huge difference to the way you are feeling. In addition, when you feel suicidal, please pick up the phone and contact The Samaritans. They offer excellent support at times of distress and hopelessness.

Once you receive the help you deserve, you will hopefully feel strong enough to start focusing your energy on you, not on others. It may be that your relationships need work, for you to eliminate any negativity around you, but for now, your own wellbeing is priority. To lift your mood, you must allow yourself 'me' time - go for some nice walks, breathe in the fresh air, look at the beauty around you, eat well, meditate, and ensure you get plenty of sleep. It is so much easier to face the world when you aren't tired – emotionally or physically.

We are all totally unique, and as such until your last breath your contribution to this world is essential. Death has little to offer when you compare it to the countless possibilities of life. You will hopefully soon see that yours is very much worth living, and that the darkness you are experiencing now will soon be replaced by much brightness.

MIND 0300 123 3393 www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans 116 123 www.samaritans.org

Suicidal thoughts

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 31 July 2015
Dear Patricia Marie,
Two years ago, when I was pregnant (unplanned) with my third child, I found a note in the pocket of my husband's suit, which transpired to be from his secretary, who had, I then realised, been his lover for the last five years. My whole world disintegrated.

When I told him that I knew about his affair, he was not in the slightest apologetic, and seemed relieved that it was now out in the open. He said he loved her and that he had stayed with me for the sake of the children. It was obvious that he intended to keep seeing her.

I felt trapped, as I did not want him anywhere near me, but I was pregnant with his child, and had nowhere else to go. I sank into a deep depression and found it almost impossible to continue with a normal life. He forbade me from speaking about his affair with anyone, and so my friends, and especially my children, had no idea why I had become so withdrawn and desperately unhappy. My doctor prescribed strong anti-depressants, but these made me feel totally detached and still troubled.

My husband began to stay away for longer periods, and started to treat me with contempt. And I just became a shell of my former self. I gave birth to my son, but found it very difficult to bond with him, as he was so demanding. Since then, I have been trying to cope but as I am so down all the time most of my friends have gradually drifted away and I am left with no support and feeling suicidal.

It has taken me a few attempts to write this email as I don't really know how to put this into words or what I expect you to be able to do to help me. But I remember one of my friends some months ago telling me about you and that you had really helped her with her problem, so I thought I would try.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read this.
Thank you

Patricia Marie says...

Women with children stay in trapped marriages because leaving is so complicated - but nothing can be worse than living as you are. You have allowed yourself to be treated appallingly, with neither love nor respect. I urge you to set yourself free from this intolerable situation. Your husband wants to be with this other woman, yet is too cowardly to make a complete break. My advice to you is to take control, pack his bags and tell him it's over. There is no other choice. By standing up to him you should hopefully regain your self respect and no longer feel open to his abuse. Ask a family member or someone you can trust to be in the house to support you when you confront him.

Having to deal with so much emotional trauma has resulted in you suffering from depression. You could be associating your son with the exposure of your husband's infidelity, causing you to struggle with bonding. With the right help, you can get through these difficulties. Make a call to your GP right now and explain how you are feeling. Clearly the antidepressants he prescribed are not working, but you can work together to find the correct medication, which will make all the difference to how you feel.

Women's Aid are there for victims of domestic abuse, so phone them without delay. They can offer you legal advice, as well as individual and group therapy to improve your self worth and help you move on from this destructive relationship. They can also refer you to Home Start, a charity run organisation, which could assign you a dedicated helper to assist you at home with all your family concerns. In addition, if at any time you are experiencing feelings of suicide, please, pick up the phone and call the Samaritans. They offer excellent support at times of distress and loneliness.

In time you should begin to feel stronger and believe that life is very much worth living again. Focus your mind on a new door opening on to the rest of your life, free from the past heartache and misery - then bravely walk through to the new chapter that awaits you.

Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247 www.womensaid.org.uk
Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90 www.samaritans.org

My family don't care that I'm depressed

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 31 July 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My husband has always been sympathetic of the depression I have struggled with for years, but my sister and brother have been so unhelpful and my mother positively cruel. It came to a head last week when she said I was just like my dad, who died 30 years ago when I was 10.

I always thought he'd had an accident, but from what she'd said, he'd killed himself and she thinks I'm bound to do the same and would be stupid if I did.

Patricia Marie says...

Depression can be so draining. It's not just about sadness, but about feeling helpless, isolated and having little, if any, energy. It can run in families, but whether that's genetic or because of shared experiences, experts can't be sure.

Your father's death and your family's lack of support may be linked to you feeling as bad as you do. Friends and family support is crucial for the recovery and well being of those suffering with the brutal illness of depression - indeed, lack of support and feelings of loneliness can make the sufferer more vulnerable.

It seems to me that your mother's anger and lack of understanding demonstrates she hasn't fully been able to come to terms with the death of your father. It may not be easy, but you could try suggesting she gets some professional help, which would assist her in understanding depression better so as she can relate to your needs.

If your father did kill himself that doesn't mean you will follow suit, nor that suicidal thoughts are stupid (certainly, they aren't uncommon in depression). What is a lot more silly and annoying is your family's unhelpful behaviour.

Contact mental health charity mind (0300 123 3393; mind.org.uk) for its excellent information and help in finding good support. They can give you details of their group therapy sessions, where meeting other fellow sufferers may prove helpful to you in feeling understood.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

I can't cope with my friend's death

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
Guest has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Thursday, 05 June 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

My best friend died a year ago after being in a tragic car accident. At first everyone was supportive and caring, but this was short lived. Now, nobody wants to talk about her, and dismissive of me if I try to speak of my very much missed friend, who understood me like no other. I am feeling so alone at this moment and don't know who to turn to. I have started to have thoughts of suicide which scares me. Would appreciate some help.

Patricia Marie says...

How very sad for you to lose someone so close, I am so sorry. When a close friend dies, it can be extremely painful and difficult to come to terms with. When you say people are dismissive of you wanting to speak, I believe it's because they are not sure what to say. Unfortunately, sometimes those closest to us just aren't capable of dealing with death - wanting to help, just unsure how. Make it clear to them there are times you want to talk about your friend - not wanting them to fix things for you, but just to listen and be there for you.

Even if you get upset, its better to express your feelings, and important to remember the happy times as well as the sad ones.

I am sure if your friend adored you as you did her, she would be upset that you are contemplating suicide. Very sadly she has lost her life, however, you are very much alive, and although you can't see it now, there is much to live for. This is hard to believe when you are in such a dark place, but you don't have to deal with it alone. Please see your G.P about how you are feeling, as he can offer a medical check up and organise some bereavement counselling. Cruse are an excellent organisation offering support for those struggling with grief and loss.  Contact: cruse.org.uk (0844 477 9400) For a comforting read, I recommend  'The Courage To Grieve ' by Judy Tatelbaum.



Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows


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