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In mourning

Posted by Tania Kindersley
Tania Kindersley
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on Wednesday, 02 May 2012

It turns out, I am mourning for my dog. I did not know that is what I was doing. I only worked it out just now, about twelve minutes ago, when I was walking round the field with my mare and I burst into tears. The mare took it on the chin. The man over the fence, spraying the weeds, looked faintly surprised to see a wailing woman leading a chestnut thoroughbred round in circles.

She will have died, this time last year, on the 5th of May. It was the night of my father’s funeral. Anniversaries, it turns out, are a bitch.

The date of my father’s death came and went. I was tense as a drum, but in the end, it seemed to be all right. Then I started behaving slightly oddly: erratic sleeping patterns, a tendency to get knocked to the ground by the smallest thing. A flat tyre nearly finished me off, two days ago. I stared out at the endless rain and the brown skies and thought perhaps I had spring fever. We have had no spring. The weather smashed the daffodils and stripped all the blossom off the trees with a ruthless hand; the garden looked drowned and demoralised. The tulips are refusing even to open. They just stand there, furiously, closed for business.

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