Dear Patricia Marie,
I have been seeing a man I met on the internet for the last six months. Everything seems fine, except he resents me for wanting to spend any time with my daughters, aged 24 and 26. I made it clear to him from the very start that they were a huge part of my life. I have always enjoyed an excellent relationship with my girls, and miss them terribly since they left home last year. I try to see them at least once a week to catch up on what has been happening in their lives. We also speak on the phone a few times during the week. However, just recently, my boyfriend gets quite irritated if my daughters ring when I am with him, and always tuts and shakes his head if I say I am going to visit one of them. He has no children himself, and said he never wanted them whilst he was building his career. He is now 60. What can I do, as I can see this becoming a big stumbling block in our relationship?
Patricia Marie says...
This man knew your children were part of the package at the outset, and can't pretend they don't exist just because he would rather have you to himself. He needs to accept how important they are to you, and not make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with them, or indeed speaking with them on the telephone. You should never be put in a position where you feel you have to choose between your partner and your children.
Your boyfriend is clearly showing signs of jealousy. The trigger for this may well be that he is resentful as he has no children of his own, or alternatively there may be other factors contributing to his irrational behaviour. I suggest you open up to him about your concerns, as this may prompt him to share his feelings with you. Listen to what he has to say, but make it clear that his attitude towards your daughters is having an adverse effect on you, which if left unresolved could spoil your relationship, and may ultimately destroy it.
Instead of you visiting your daughters alone, invite them over to yours for dinner. Tell your partner it would mean so much to you if he could make an effort with them, even initially just for the one evening. Include him in the hospitality. Perhaps he could organise some games to help make him feel part of the family. You never know, if he allows himself to get to know your girls, he may actually enjoy their company, and even better, begin to bond with them.
Patricia Marie, our Agony Aunt, wants to hear your problems, dilemmas, and quarrels. Just email them to patricia.marie@lady.co.uk
