Agony Aunt

Patricia Marie, MBACP qualified counsellor is a member of The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy, practising in Harley Street, Essex and Scotland. She has many years experience of dealing with domestic violence, relationship problems, bereavement, depression, addictions, post traumatic stress and many other emotional issues. If you have a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk

My ex boyfriend won't leave me alone

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 29 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie,

I went out with my boyfriend for one year and it didn't really work so I told him face-to-face that I was sorry but I didn't want to continue with our relationship. He was absolutely devastated and went to see a counsellor to help him move on.. however he still insisted on remaining friends with me and coming over once a week to 'help me do any diy jobs that needed doing'.

I am very aware that this is not right but when I tell him this he says 'you cant begrudge me helping you out and doing things for you - that's what friends are for...

It is now one year since we split up and I have met someone else. When I told my ex that I was going out for a date with another man he broke down and said 'I can't believe you would do this to me'.

What can I do? I know he is manipulating me but he makes things so difficult and I feel so mean. I am 42 years of age and divorced - my ex is 45 years of age and has been divorced twice.

I just can't seem to get rid of him.


Patricia Marie says...

Your need to sever your relationship with your ex has become far more intense as it now suits you to have him out of the way.

I would like you to consider that you have to accept a certain amount of responsibility for allowing this situation to get to this inevitable stage.

You say he insisted on still being friends, helping you with jobs. Your acceptance of this sent confusing signals, in his mind you were still allowing him to be part of your life.

Even for the one instigating, endings can be hard and take time to come to terms with, which is why so many couples choose to stay in even the most destructive relationships, rather than deal with change.

Perhaps although you wanted to have closure with your ex, by seeing him weekly it wasn't so final for you.

You are allowing him to manipulate you because you are not making it clear to him this arrangement cannot continue. You say you feel mean, yet are being unfair to him by preventing him from moving forward, something which he is unable to see clearly for himself at this moment.

You can eliminate your guilt by being strong for him, letting him go will allow him to make a new life, whilst you can then be free to enjoy yours.



Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.



In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389
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