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My friend has let me down

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 21 August 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I've had this friend for years - since we were at college together. And I always thought we'd be there for each other through thick and thin. Three years ago, she went through a messy divorce and I supported her. Then, last year I found out my husband had been cheating on me, and after trying to work through it naturally, I went to my friend for sympathy. But she turned on me, telling me I was dragging her down and asking too much of her. We're still friends, but the closeness has completely gone. Was I wrong to have expected more from her?

Patricia Marie says...

No, you weren't wrong to expect more from your friend at all, but you may have to accept that she wasn't rejecting you when she let you down. Sometimes people can't be how we would like them to be, or act in the way we'd prefer them to. It hurts because it feels personal, almost as if she's decided you don't deserve her help. But in reality, her behaviour is about her, not you.

It sounds like your unhappiness, in a situation so like her own, dramatically brought back her grief and pain.

When we want to offload, we have to take some responsibility. Just because we want to get angry and upset, it doesn't mean our friends are able to deal with us being this way, especially if they have issues they are trying to deal with, which we may be ignoring because we are too focused with what's bothering us. While friends can, and should, be there for us when we need their support, often a professional can give us the care we really need to move on. Perhaps if your friend had gone for counselling as well as asking for your help, she might have been able to put her sadness aside and be there for you - and now not feel so guilty about failing you, which I suspect is what the distance is about.

I believe you may benefit from some counselling yourself to help you move forward with this situation. Hopefully, once you start to feel better you'll be able to forgive her and that closeness will return.

The British association of Counselling and Psychotherapy have a directory where you can find a qualified therapist in your area. www.bacp.co.uk



Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Conscious uncoupling

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Wednesday, 26 March 2014
‘It’s hard being married,’ she said.
‘Duh, really?’ I would have responded.

But in actual fact Gwyneth didn’t inform me personally of her recently announced ‘conscious uncoupling’ from her Brit singer-songwriter.

Yes – if you haven’t yet heard the news, Mr and Mrs Chris Martin, the slightly cheesy rock star and actress, have confessed that their marriage isn’t what it used to be. Oh and we’re all supposed to be vaguely surprised. Not shocked that the duo didn’t make it long term but that marriage is apparently hard work at times.

I mean who honestly wouldn’t agree? And how bad does it have to be to start carving up the net worth? I’m not a film star and He isn’t in a band but we work hard ALL the time at making our marriage work. Because ‘uncoupling’ isn’t really an option at all. Instead it is damn hard separation and grief for all involved, before any re-coupling is even contemplated. I’ve stood by and watched from the sidelines and divorce isn’t pretty.

So, even with £89m, some apparent consciousness and a heck of a lot of co-parenting praise, Paltrow will need more than her infamous cupping therapy or her Goop cleanse before she can commiserate to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ in her bath tub.


You can read more musings from Emma at www.lifeofyablon.com.

Dating after a divorce

Posted by Patricia_Marie
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on Friday, 31 January 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am a 55-year-old divorced lady, and after 20 years of marriage am now ready to start looking to meet a gentleman, but I am worried about joining a dating website. Although I am wanting to, I am scared that the date could be a disaster and am concerned at the type of man that I may attract, and on meeting him he may be different from how he appears online.

However, If I sit back and do nothing I may never meet a partner to share the rest of my life with. I am just looking for some guidance and direction regarding this dilemma I have.

Patricia Marie says...

Your concerns with regards to joining a dating agency are completely understandable after the familiarity of being married to the same man for many years. However, life is about taking risks and you are the only one who can promote change and make things happen. I am thinking your urgency to meet a man whom you are wanting to share the rest of your life with is causing much anxiety, and putting you under intense pressure for something that may not happen and you could be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Can you allow yourself to embrace this new chapter in your life by focussing on having some fun and good times with like-minded people. When selecting potential dates, ensure you get to know as much as you can about each other before meeting, this will help eliminate time wasters. If you do experience some unsuccessful dates, use this as a positive discovery in knowing what you do want in someone, and your confidence will soon grow. I would also recommend if you have any interests or hobbies, join a club where they may be incorporated, which will increase your chances of finding your Mr Right. It may take time to meet someone you are attracted to and want to spend more time with, but if you can trust that the journey is as important as the destination, you will enjoy and value the experience more.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows



Divorce

Posted by Mum About Town
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on Wednesday, 11 December 2013
Isn’t divorce a grubby old process? As the Saatchi/Lawson court case continues and dirty washing is being aired in a way we never (previously) thought possible, I feel that perhaps we’ve all seen enough. Enough, enough, enough. And I don’t doubt that many of these endless ‘reports’ aren’t even true. When it comes down to it, I’d rather believe less of Saatchi’s accusations about the woman who taught me to eat straight from the larder (albeit mine is cupboard whereas hers is an entire room).

But another’s divorce details simply ARE grubby and awful and absolutely none of our business. And yet, whenever anyone gets divorced they over-share their grubbiness as if it’s hot gossip. I suppose they think that we really NEED to know what went on behind their closed doors, when we’d much rather they’d move on and leave us out of it. I’m certain that Charles must have at least a couple of friends he could rant to and, if not, I hear a therapist can work a treat. Nigella’s recreational habits are her business and after all, we should remind the media, it’s a couple of alleged fraudsters on trial not a marriage.

So, let’s not engage nor even twitch the net curtains. That way our domestic goddess might crack an egg and whip up a really good pudding.



You can read more musings from Emma at www.lifeofyablon.com.


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