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Should I call off my wedding?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 24 July 2014
Dear Patricia Marie,

I am feeling really scared and don't know what to do. I am due to be married in three weeks' time and having doubts about going through with the ceremony.

I have been with my fiancé for five years, we became engaged last year, only because it seemed the right thing to do. Although I care for him I am not in love with him, and feel like running away.

The truth is if I marry him, it will be for all the wrong reasons, but at the same time, I cannot break his heart which I shall do if I call it off. The wedding is costing a fortune of which my parents have helped contribute to, and we will be set to lose the lot if I were to cancel at such short notice. I cant sleep, am feeling miserable and very panicky. I haven't told anyone about how I am feeling as everyone is looking so forward to the celebrations.

I have recently met a man at work who I have become very close to, he wants to take me out and makes me feel like an excited teenager, unlike my fiancé who I feel we have now become more like sister and brother. Please help me, I don't know what to do.

Patricia Marie says...

If you find yourself having doubts before your wedding, does that mean you definitely must not get married? No - but you should pay attention and talk to the man you are marrying. The chances are he would have picked up on your emotions and by opening up it may help to re-bond the relationship.  Understandably, many women approaching their wedding day have doubts if they are making the right choice. After all, it's one of the biggest decisions of our lives. You say you're not wanting to break your fiancé's heart by calling of the wedding, but considering going ahead and to marry under false pretences would be far worse.

The man you have met at work is new and exciting, as is any new flirtatious liaison. If you were to remember your first meeting with your fiancé, feel sure he would have made you feel the same way. It would be acceptable to cancel the wedding if you really were having serious doubts, but don't risk losing a good man just because a more exciting one has come on the scene.

It takes more than love to have a successful marriage, its about displaying mutual admiration, respect, including supporting and caring for each other and most importantly being friends, as without friendship love can easily fade.

You need to ask yourself, how would it feel to be without this man you have been with for five years. Sometimes we can't see what we have until its gone.

Has the intimacy wained slightly because of the pressures of the wedding planning? If so, this can be worked at by remembering the good times you have shared.

Finally, the huge cost involved if you were to cancel is not the reason to embark on the biggest commitment of your life. You owe it to your parents to be honest, and however shocked or upset they seem, once you share your fears with them, your problem will be halved and things made clearer.

It wont be easy, but I urge you to explore your situation very carefully, before making any life changing decisions.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.


In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

My mother is an alcoholic

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
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on Thursday, 17 July 2014
Dear Patricia Marie

My mother is an alcoholic and it's affecting us all. I now live quite a distance away so only visit a couple of times a month. Mother is supposed to be caring for my dad as he is disabled. He has a carer but not at weekends now as someone from social services has to come, as she forgets to give him his medication and cook for him.

The family have done so much to try to help her. My brother took her to the doctors who did liver tests and said she would die soon if she did not stop drinking. She refused to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous after two sessions. She says she is seeking help, but it's all lies. She has antidepressants but doesn't take them. She hides alcohol all over the house. If we throw it away she buys more. Bills are not getting paid. The grandchildren don't want to visit her as she is always intoxicated.

I am getting married soon and would love her to be at the wedding, but I know she will be drunk. My sister has advised me not to go out of my way to help, as she tried and it made her ill. How can I get my mother to stop drinking?

Patricia Marie says...

You ask the same question many family members of an alcohol-dependent want the answer to. Sadly, the reply is never simple. Alcoholism is a family disease - if one person is drinking to excess, everyone around them is affected. Alcoholics are often in denial, blaming circumstances or people around them for their addiction. They are unable to see how badly their destructive and hurtful behaviour affects those who love and want to help them.
 
Alcoholics Anonymous recommends ' detachment with love' -  as your sister has discovered, if you don't allow yourself to stand back a little it can affect your health. You have to accept you can't stop your mum from drinking, only she can choose to do this.  If alcoholics are not ready for help, efforts by family and friends trying to force them to admit to the problem, usually causes more resentment, and its only when the consequences of their drinking becomes painful enough will they reach out for help.
 
Do remind your mother how much you love her, but you cannot help her if she is not willing to help herself, as it is destroying your life. Be firm, and emphasise you are extremely concerned that unless she gets professional help soon, she will cause lasting grief to all her family.
 
Whether she chooses to get help or not, do contact The National Association for the family of Alcoholics:  0800 358 3456, www.nacoa.org.uk. This is an excellent organisation offering tremendous support for people in your situation.


Have a dilemma? Please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk  Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows

Where should I stay?

Posted by Patricia_Marie
Patricia_Marie
Guest has not set their biography yet
User is currently offline
on Thursday, 21 November 2013
Dear Patricia Marie

I am invited to a wedding next year which is far way and I need to book accommodation for the weekend. Two of my friends have booked up hotels but unfortunately didn't communicate with each other before booking and have booked different ones. Now I don't know what to do because whichever one I book I feel I will be offending the other person. Please help.

Patricia Marie says...

Firstly, I would like to say how lucky your friends are to have someone as thoughtful and caring as yourself.

However, I'm wondering why you're feeling the need to make things right, almost not wanting to escalate a problem that you never caused. Where is this overwhelming fear of you offending either party coming from? Perhaps if you can allow yourself to step back from the emotions of the situation you may be able to think more practically.
 
Which hotel would be better suited to your needs? Is the right type of room available, will the view suit, is it in a convenient location etc.  You need to put these issues across to your friends, so you are emphasising what suits YOU, rather than choosing between them. Then perhaps all three of you could devise a plan where you are all equally included in any arrangements. You may want to suggest taking turns to dine at each others' hotels.
 
Feel sure your dilemma will soon dissolve completely when you begin to look forward to a weekend of fun and celebrations shared with friends.


Got a dilemma, please email Patricia.Marie@lady.co.uk
Please note, while Patricia cannot respond to all emails, she does read them all.

In need of further support? Patricia Marie offers a counselling service in Harley Street, contact details as follows
Telephone number: 020 7467 8389


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